someone threw a dead crab at me
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
