I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
