Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
you made out with another girl for some wings
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
