woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
