Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
