I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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