Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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