Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
