Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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