We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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