She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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