Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
