shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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