Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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