I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
