obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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