he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
