I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
