she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Randomize
