I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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