She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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