atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize