I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
