I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
