My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
