Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
