New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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