I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
