This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
