You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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