I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
