Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
