bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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