We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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