You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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