1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
