A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The beer is more important than you right now.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
