I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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