There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
