we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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