He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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