Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
