i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
