i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
