You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
