how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
