This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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