It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
