I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
