And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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